Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
accomplished twins. life is a go
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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