I like to think it a success when the cops are called
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
