kristin has been a bad kristin
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
