Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
where are my eyebrows?
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