I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
