saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
