when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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