we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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