She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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