My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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