So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
