I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
