well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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