I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize