I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
