I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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