i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
