??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
