i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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