i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
