When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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