did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
