We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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