i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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