dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize