This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
