There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
