The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
