So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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