Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize