Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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