batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
