if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
