she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
