im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
