I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
