i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize