I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
