matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
