My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
