i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
