How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
