I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
