You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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