I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
