sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
