Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
