I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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