Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
