when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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