he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
porn star boner night. come get it.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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