babies were throwing up all over the place
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
