Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
