Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
