My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
