so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
