if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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