I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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