do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
