I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize