First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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