So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
