My cat gives me a boner
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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