think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
