well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
