i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
