she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
