You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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